(AP Photo/Toby Talbot, File)
This morning, H.J. Heinz Company announced its plans to buy Northfield, Illinois-based Kraft Foods, creating the world’s fifth largest food and beverage company. In a joint-press release, the now-named Kraft Heinz Company announced it will maintain co-headquarters in both Pittsburgh (where Heinz is headquartered) and the Chicago area.
The deal was brokered by Warren Buffet’s Berkshire Hathaway and 3G Capital, a Brazilian investment firm. The new mega-company will have an annual revenue of $28 billion and will undoubtedly continue to produce questionable, at times, “food” products through its brands which include Ore Ida, Jell-O, Oscar Meyer, Maxwell House, Delimex (maker of frozen taquitos), Miracle Whip, Chicken In a Biskit (a classic), Capri Sun, Boca Burger, Easy Cheese, Honey Maid, Tang, Shake ‘n Bake, Bagel Bites, Weight Watchers items and Taco Bell, Boston Market and T.G.I Friday’s lines of grocery products among several other brands.
Naturally we’re less concerned with the financials of the situation and more into dreaming up the pseudo-food mashups we hope are born out of this merger. Some prime examples:
- Mac and cheese-topped Bagel Bites, a stoner/drunk college kid's dream.
- Velveeta-filled tater tots, bursting with processed cheesy goodness.
- Taquitos wrapped around hot dogs. No ketchup still, of course.
- Weight Watchers brand microwavable Taco Bell. C'mon, low points crunchwrap!
- Handi-Snacks with Ore Ida fries and Heinz ketchup. So portable!
- TGI Friday's cheese sticks filled with Easy Cheese and breaded in Chicken in a Biskit crackers. Ok, we've gone too far.
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